Many of us have developed a habit of saying “sorry” reflexively, even when we haven’t done anything wrong. This seemingly harmless behavior can actually have negative effects on our self-esteem, enable others to justify their poor actions, and make us vulnerable to being taken advantage of.
While there’s nothing wrong with apologizing for genuine mistakes, constantly saying sorry in response to minor discomfort can be problematic.
For instance, I often find myself apologizing when someone bumps into me at a bar or club. I immediately raise my hand in a peace gesture, smile, and say “sorry,” even though they just spilled half of my $14 drink on the floor. Is it polite of me to do so? Perhaps, but I wasn’t the one who should be apologizing. In fact, I wasn’t genuinely sorry at all; I was annoyed. You’ve likely felt the same way at some point. The “sorry” that slips out of your mouth in such situations isn’t meant as an apology; it’s an attempt to avoid conflict and awkwardness (the woman who read this over my shoulder at the coffee shop while I wrote this article agreed).
When you apologize unnecessarily, it sends the message that you prioritize agreeability over honesty.
Over time, excessive apologies can make you appear submissive and easily taken advantage of, both at work and at home. Moreover, constantly apologizing needlessly creates guilt in your mind and undermines your self-esteem. Not only are you consistently conveying to others that you’re responsible for everything that goes wrong, but you’re also reinforcing that belief within yourself. It’s challenging to feel good about yourself when you keep taking blame for things that aren’t your fault.
If you constantly find yourself apologizing, don’t worry. You can turn this habit into an opportunity for self-reflection. Lori Deschene at Tiny Buddha suggests two simple questions to ask yourself each time you feel the urge to apologize: “Did I actually do something wrong?” and if not, “Did I truly want to convey that I think I did?” This quick exercise helps reprogram your thinking about apologies. You’ll start differentiating between unnecessary apologies and genuine ones, eventually eliminating the need for recaps altogether.
Changing your vocabulary is an easy way to transform your apologies into something else.
A simple shift in your choice of words can make a world of difference. Apologizing can become a speech tic, similar to saying “um” or “uh,” and it takes practice to overcome it. Lisa Washington at AllWomensTalk suggests examining the circumstances surrounding your apologies. Pay attention to who, what, when, where, and how the conversations that lead to your apologies occur. Are you apologizing to family members, friends, or coworkers? Are you doing it to avoid conflict or to appease someone? By becoming aware of the environment and circumstances that trigger your apologies, you can identify new phrases to use instead. For example, after realizing my tendency to apologize to strangers at the bar, I replaced “sorry” with “pardon me” or “excuse me.” I can still be polite without immediately assuming blame.
Asking questions can also become a breeding ground for excessive apologies. Donna Flagg, author of Surviving Dreaded Conversations, explains that we invalidate ourselves when we apologize while asking a question. To overcome this, Flagg suggests a simple workaround when seeking help: instead of apologizing, say, “Can you please help me understand that?” or “Could you please explain that a bit further?” If you want to ask a more direct question without sounding rude, you can use the phrase “If you don’t mind me asking…” instead of “I’m sorry, can I ask you something?” This approach allows you to be courteous without undermining yourself or implying that your question is impolite.
Sometimes, saying “sorry” can be replaced with expressing gratitude.
A “sorry” can often be a disguised “thank you.” When someone does something that benefits both of you, rather than apologizing for not doing it yourself, show appreciation instead. Juliana Breines, Ph.D., at Psychology Today explains that expressing gratitude, such as thanking your roommate or significant other for doing the dishes, makes them feel happy, appreciated, and more likely to help out again in the future. However, this example only works if you generally contribute your fair share to household chores. Nevertheless, replacing blame and self-guilt with gratitude can be beneficial in various situations. For instance, if someone critiques your work, thank them for their input rather than apologizing for your efforts. If you want to share your honest feelings with someone, thank them for listening or understanding instead of apologizing for expressing yourself. Trading blame and self-blame for gratitude is a win-win situation.
Theodore Lee is the editor of Caveman Circus. He strives for self-improvement in all areas of his life, except his candy consumption, where he remains a champion gummy worm enthusiast. When not writing about mindfulness or living in integrity, you can find him hiding giant bags of sour patch kids under the bed.